To Have That Minute Back

8 11 2012

He’s still here, despite his entire absence   Almost every day, I’ve a conversation with him.  I tell him about the girls’ latest accomplishments, my frustrations with their teenage behaviours, my irritations with our household budgets and finances…pretty much everything.  When he was still here, it was a weekly thing – our thing.  He called me almost every Sunday from the moment we were apart until we were truly apart.  We’d talk about his travels, relationship aggravations, politics and share the latest jokes we’d heard (though he was by far better than I with delivery and timing). Read the rest of this entry »


Maybe I Should Change the Battery in My Watch

1 11 2012

Twelve years ago today, my boss, the VP for the company, asked me to walk with him to see the VP of HR.  It was almost the holidays – was I getting a raise, a promotion, written up, terminated?  Every imaginable emotion and fear entered my mind.  We got into Mike’s office and they shut the door and I sat down.  I didn’t know what was about to happen, and I couldn’t have imagined it if I had tried. Read the rest of this entry »


25 11 2011

I’ve been encouraged recently by a dear friend to try to verbalize memories that I wish to have live on outside of my fleeting thoughts and mind’s images.  Part of me, a great part, is hesitant to do as such because they are mine.  They are intimate and personal and to put them to pen (in a sense) shares them.  Call me selfish, but I’m not certain I am comfortable with this idea.  They’re mine.

And yet, I am going to give it a brief attempt. Read the rest of this entry »

Sleepless in North Fort Myers

4 03 2010

I couldn’t sleep for most of the night.  I laid there staring at my husband, reaching out to feel for the rise of his chest when his breaths couldn’t be heard, my eyes popping widely with each cough or groan.  Last night as we sat watching television he began to choke on his coffee and as his skin tone changed from flesh to red to shades of blue – I stood transfixed, uncertain of what to do as I watched our life together flash past my mind’s eye.   Read the rest of this entry »

The Proposal

5 01 2010

I sit here trying to define a relationship – put into words what it is.  On the simplest of terms it is any two people who know one another; beyond that though, in the terms of love and affection in a relationship, what is a relationship?  What should be standard in one?  What should not be permissible in one?  I would like to think that stipulations and ground rules should be understood and unmentioned in a relationship, if even necessary.  Why have a relationship if you have to place restrictions around one another in order to have the relationship?  Isn’t it about acceptance of one another at face value too?  And that may all be well and fine for chosen relationships, when you pick your partner and your love interests, when you select your friends and companions.  But when it comes to those selected for you by fate or chance, your relatives – those standards just don’t work as well. Read the rest of this entry »

Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind?

31 12 2009

Hours away now from a new year and I sit here pondering resolutions, but I know fate delivered my resolutions to me over the past month and it is my duty to continue following through on the work that has already been laid out.

At 16, my mother ran away from home and I strived every day to write her for two years, hoping to convince her to come back to my father and I as she should, or at least as I felt she should.  In retrospect, I don’t know if she did us all a favour or not.  What I do know is that her actions cannot be changed and they laid the foundation for the choices in my own life.  If she had not left I would not have moved thousands of miles away from home to live with relatives and eventually meet my husband, get married, have my children and begin my own life as a mother.   Read the rest of this entry »

Non Enfant Gâté

11 12 2009

My daughter informed me that the mom of one of her friends had told her daughters she had a favourite child, and went so far as to name the child.  That prompted my daughter to ask me who was my favourite.  I told her I didn’t have one and it is partially true.  I have favourite aspects of each child, but the worst thought in the world for me is trying to pick one.  I’ve had the nightmare before, presented in various manners and scenes, but ultimately I am left with the ability to protect and save one of my two children.  I’ve never made the choice, not even in my dreams, usually it is then that I awake.  I was an only child so my parents didn’t have the burden of picking one child that they favoured.  But even if they had, I would like to think they, like me, would have blundered in thought and selecting.  I’ve done a bit of reading up on the topic and the internet conclusion seems to be that it is perfectly normal to have a favourite child and it is only abnormal to have a least favourite, which is a positive manner of thinking I suppose, though I still fail to see why it would ever be normal to prefer one over the other and in doing so would that not create a least favourite?

There were times, when my children were much younger, and we were enduring much more difficult struggles than now, that I felt more inclined to defend and protect one over the other.  My youngest was and is, the more resilient of the two girls.  Incidents that bring her to tears are forgotten before the tissues are dry.  My oldest though, she tends to be more like me, analyzing and replaying the hurts on a grand stage in her emotional mind, often having encores for days and months on end.  Because of that, I would try to reassure her more than the younger – but it was never due to having a greater amount of care for her.  It was out of knowing she needed me more at that moment than her sister did. Read the rest of this entry »