13 01 2010

I clearly remember my first cigarette.  Like it was yesterday.  Except it was almost nineteen years ago.  I remember I was thirteen and had been diagnosed with asthma by my doctor.  And the doctor popped off with a quirky remark about how I would never be able to smoke.  I don’t know if he thought he was funny.  I do know that prior to that I’d never even thought of smoking.  I’d actually detested smokers.  My parents had so many friends they would have over as guests who were smokers and I hated the stench they left when they were in the house, even if they never lit up.  But that remark, for some reason, likely the fact I was a rebellious child, made me want to smoke.  Just to prove I could.

I remember the bright yellow sweatshirt with the pockets and dousing it in my perfume, Navy, and putting the smokes lifted from one of my mom’s friends and a lighter from our bottomless drawer in the kitchen into my pocket.  I walked to the park, a poorly lit playground behind the apartments down the road from our house.  I sat on the middle swing and lit up.

Over the years, my smoking habits have increased.  I used to only smoke a few a day, typically while I was at work so my relatives wouldn’t think to accuse me of smoking.  As I got older and began to be around other smokers, I picked up their habits.  One friend I spent a few weeks vacationing with would smoke every morning as she woke up, prior to that I’d often go til the mid afternoon without a cigarette; but now my first cigarette is usually within minutes of my waking up.  And an ex would smoke with every cup of coffee, and now I have that adopted habit too.  So now I typically smoke a little more than a pack a day.  I have a cigarette by six am and easily every thirty minutes to an hour thereafter I smoke until I go to bed.  And being unemployed I smoke even more.

I never had any really aspirations to quit until I began doing my family tree.  I mean, yes, when I was pregnant I quit – because it was the right thing to do.  But I always started right back up again thereafter.  And I believed the only health troubles in my family were diabetes, so I excused my smoking by saying I’ll die some day anyhow.  Over the past few months though I’ve learned only two people had diabetes and that our tree is much more rife with cancerous deaths and heart disease.  And of those who died to causes other than age, they all died in their younger years by 60.  60!

I’ll be 40 when my girls both graduate high school.  If I live to 60, I won’t see their children grow to graduate high school.  I don’t want that to happen.  I want to live to see them marry.  I want to be a great-grandma someday.  I won’t have that if I only live to be 60.

So I began researching.  I’ve tried the gum and the heartburn is painful.  The patch makes my skin break out and I don’t feel a need not to smoke.  So whether it be a placebo or not, I am going to begin using the electronic cigarette.  The nicotine in the cartridges has no carcinogens and is considered completely without the risks of a standard cigarette.  The cost will be roughly 39 cents a cartridge, with one cartridge equaling a little more than one pack.

I am hopeful of the results.  I’m waiting on my ‘e-cigarettes’ to arrive in the mail before I determine my start date but I am rather excited.  I can already imagine the first day of my life without a cigarette.  And I can imagine my great-grandchildren.  That’s encouraging.




2 responses

13 01 2010

Hi, and good luck with your e-cigarettes. I have used them for a couple of months now, and I love them. After a few weeks you can breathe normally again.

20 01 2010

Thank you. I am still anxiously awaiting my shipment but in the meantime am only buying smokes a pack at a time. I am so excited to have my last cigarette but not yet willing to just have it go psycho bitch mode until my placebos arrive. LoL

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