Maybe it’s nothing

24 11 2009

I’m trying to stay distracted from the bump area on my breast.  It’s difficult.  I want to touch it, try to analyze it.  I’ve researched for hours and come to no better conclusion as to what it can be.  Best I can do for now is to reassure myself that I should wait  a month, see what happens.  Not that Christmas Eve will put me in any better financial state or health insurance with which to get a doctor’s exam.

I find myself getting more angered at the health care debates now though.  I mean, three days ago I was already all for a public health care option.  But now, even more.  And to know that best case scenario it won’t be in place until 2014, it just isn’t soon enough.

If this is cancerous, I have no insurance to cover the treatments and once I do have insurance, this would be pre-existing.  I can almost feel the insurance companies shying away from the likes of me, sight unseen.  I am overweight, diabetes in my family, heart disease in my family, my permanent back injury, and I smoke.  I won’t even begin to go into my kids’ health issues.  I can’t imagine many doors opening to us, not willingly at least.

When my grandmother died of cancer, it had all begun with her breast cancer.  My aunt died only a few years ago due to breast cancer.  Neither are bloodline, but again, that doesn’t seem to matter with cancer.  But both were still young when they were diagnosed, my aunt certainly.  My grandmother was in her 60s.  Every year I donate to Susan G Komen and American Cancer Society, in their memory, as well as that of my father who died in his 50s due to cancer, my uncle who died in his 40s due to cancer.  Still no bloodline, thankfully adopted, but again, indiscriminate cancer.

This year, can’t afford to donate.  Maybe that’s a way of karma or some such saying thanks for skipping a year.

I know, it’s not likely.  I just have to apply a reason.  I have to be able to console my mind’s question of why.  I don’t have another answer.

I don’t need this.  Not now, not ever, but certainly not now.

Maybe it’s nothing.  I can hope.

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