Smelly the Spoiler

17 05 2009

In 2002 I finished reading Holy Grail, Holy Blood.  A riveting piece of work, albeit the book is hard to follow at places because of the authors’ need to appear highly educated through the use of words and descriptives that could have just as easily been written for the common reader as for the archaeologist.

I’m not poorly versed, mind you, I have a fairly decent, possibly even above average, grasp on vocabulary and terminology, but when reading ‘the sky was blue’ it is likely easier to meld into the wording than to read ‘the oxygen and nitrogen atoms collided with transmitted light shortened wavelengths and the rods and cones of the eye receptors perceived the violet wavelengths in a bluish hue’.

But, the book was informative and new and exciting to read.  And being the anglophile that I am, coupled with the Christian skeptic in me – I was hungry for more.

I quickly stumbled onto other grail related works and Knights Templar pieces and by 2003 I was all over Dan Brown’s DaVinci Code.  It was peppered with facts and fictions in a Grisham-esque page turning fashion and I spent two days working my way through it.

Thus, when the movie was released, I was anxious as hell to watch it.  Glenn and I took the day off and had a mini-date at the movies, minus two kids.  Enjoying his method of blending fact and fiction, I poured myself into his other work, Angels & Demons.  And with the same anticipation I awaited May fifteenth.

We arrived at the theatre thirty minutes early and severely punished a bag of buttered popcorn.  After ten minutes of previews and advertisements, the screen widened and the sound boomed.  Our seat was perfect – smack in the middle, not too close nor too far.

Then smelly arrived.

Smelly was a middle aged man with two mullet haired middle aged ladies who had managed to drag themselves from their trailer park mansion to plant their asses to the left of Glenn.  Smelly doesn’t define the scent.  It was a blend of nicotine, Boone’s Farm and sweat.  I rubbed Purell up my nostrils to kill the stench.  It worked.

Kind of.

The movie started with an intense look at the particle accelerator and an edge-of-your-seat lightning fast trek along the path of the particles.  Then Smelly began explaining to mullet lady one what was happening.  Could she not figure it out?  It had plainly displayed the subtitles to identify the location of the laboratory in Geneva and the discussion of accelerating particles – if that didn’t explain it nothing Smelly said would do better.

I glared across at the trio and then went back to the movie.

Another five minutes in and we got to see Tom Hanks swimming about in his briefs’ styled swimming suit coupled with the explanation by Smelly how this is the professor and he works on solving mysteries.

Another glare.

Introduction of the carmelengo and another explanation about how he is not what you think, you’ll see, just watch.  Precisely, Smelly – just watch.  As in shut the hell up.

I hissed shhh and returned to the movie.

A kidnapping and Smelly details what is about to happen to mullet lady one.  Mullet lady two must have been the only one not to have heard as Smelly had to repeat it for her benefit.

I loudly said to Glenn for the benefit of Smelly how some people should shut the hell up.  It was quiet again for another ten minutes or so.

This continued throughout the movie.  There’s a nice twist that isn’t in the book which through Smelly so he then had to clarify how the book handled it differently.

I turned to glare again and blankly said ‘shut up’.  Smelly glanced over and got quiet.

I have to tell you here that I never say shut up.  In fact if you ask my kids, that is a cuss word.  So I have to get really angry to use that.  And I can honestly say I have no idea when the last time was I said such words.  Years likely.

As we left the theatre Smelly remarked to the mullet twins how he didn’t understand how I could be upset, it wasn’t like I wouldn’t find out what was happening in five seconds more by just watching it.  The trio laughed.  I gave them the finger and mentally bid them a fuck you.  Mentally I bitch slapped Smelly and laughed.

Why are some people so ego starved that they feel the need to boast their superior knowledge by giving away the endings to books, television shows, movies, what have you?  Yes, I read the book but I paid (well Glenn paid) to watch the movie and I wanted to watch the damn movie.  Without the smell.  Without the narration.  It’s one thing if you are part of a discussion wherein everyone there knows that there will be ‘spoilers’.  But they are called spoilers for a reason – knowing the details may spoil it for others who haven’t watched, read, heard what have you.

If you are one of these types of people, I plead with you to shut the hell up and don’t be a Smelly.

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