Wedding Planning Sucks

22 03 2009

Three weeks ago, Glenn and I decided to get the stressful part of our wedding plans done – the marriage itself.  There were some other reasons involved (no I’m not pregnant!) with the haste, but we thought, incorrectly, that that portion would be the pain in the ass process.  I mean everything else is a matter of buying a dress, renting a tux, paying the location and printing invitations.  Right?


Our location we had selected actually three years ago when he proposed.  It is a lovely little hole in the wall restaurant with a magnificent garden landscape and patio with a rich history.  They were actually the only place we had contacted and since they had the availability on the date we wanted – it was fate.  I shored up the details, turned in the headcount, saved up the money, picked out the menu and it was perfect.  In fact at one point I even wondered why people bitch about wedding planning when ours was so obviously smooth.

That was until last Saturday.

It actually started Friday.  I called to verify one last time that everything was good before having the invitations done.  The coordinator wasn’t able to talk to me and said she would call later after the dinner service.  Then she emailed to say she would call me Saturday instead.  I waited all Saturday.  Six o’clock.  Seven o’clock.  Eight o’clock. Nine o’clock.  It was almost ten when I decided to try to call her myself and she answered the phone.  ‘Is this a good time?’ I asked.  ‘Sure’ said she.  ‘Oh, well you had said you would call and you hadn’t, so I thought perhaps it wasn’t.  No biggie.  I just want to confirm everything before I go to print.’  She answered ‘Everything is all set – the menu, the bar, the arrangement, but there is an issue with the date.’


For some reason, she and the owner – both of whom have been in on my planning discussions from the start, totally ‘forgot’ that they are undergoing construction starting in May and running through the summer.

Now pardon me a moment, because I kept my cool and didn’t deliver a rant in sailor tongue to the !@&^$# woman, but I ask here and now HOW IN THE FUCK DO YOU FORGET THAT YOUR BUSINESS AND REVENUE SOURCE IS CLOSING FROM MAY TO FUCKING SEPTEMBER WHEN SOMEONE ASKS TO HAVE A WEDDING IN JUNE!!!?

I did rant a little, very politely, just in case this was an oversight too or I was on Candid Camera Phone or some crap.  And I got no where.  Just an oops, a big fucking oops.

So, scrambling I went about contacting golf courses, VFWs, hotels, restaurants and searched out various fly by night beach wedding agencies.  I finally have settled on another location and I go down next Saturday to pay the deposit and firm up details – but I had to change the wedding date.

Glenn had called his mom on the night of the day we had went to the courthouse and he was 100% certain he had told her the date.  Maybe make that 99%.  According to her it was 100% positive he didn’t tell her the date.  Nonetheless, I learn this weekend that his mother cannot come June 13 as she is going to Nevada.  I don’t have many family members left and those I do have certainly won’t be able to make the haul out to Florida sadly for my wedding.  So it is critical that his family be able to attend.

I call the location back up and it turns out that will be great as they don’t have the 13thavailable afterall.  I panic and regress to memories of the fateful night on the phone with the last location.  Not to worry, they have the 6th of June.  A quick call to Glenn’s mom – will the sixth work?  Yes.

Now, we go down next Saturday to place the deposit for the 6th of June, but the coordinator has already assured me my name is in ink on the date in her calendar.  No pending construction or bankruptcy or foreclosure or so on.  Barring a hurricane, we’re good for June 6th.

When I planned our savings, I planned for tux rental, bridesmaid and flower girl dresses, wedding gown, shoes, veil, bouquets, invitations, cake, open bar fees, catering costs, grounds fees, marriage license, officiant, guest book, disposable cameras, developing costs.  Not forgetting a thing.  Right?


Photographer.  I thought when I first started to go search for a photographer, let’s look for a package in the $500 ballpark.  I mean we are talking a small wedding and cocktail reception.  Two hours or so.  No big fancy wedding album, just something to have as a memento that would look nice in a frame.  Oh how wrong was I?  Packages starting in the thousands.  For minimal work.  I’m in the wrong damn business, that’s for certain. And the bad thing is that as I look at their handi-work, some of these photographers I would be more inclined to pay to stay the hell away.  I took photojournalism in school and I have two kids that ham it up all of the time and I dare say my point and click on a throw away camera would turn out better than some of the crap they collected thousands of dollars to take!

I spent three hours yesterday pouring over websites of galleries and I wrote to six photographers who had nice work.  Note I said photographers.  I didn’t search for wedding photographers.  Three of them wouldn’t take on wedding projects but two would.  So I think I have settled on the better of the two and she quoted an hourly rate with full release of images and all is very manageable.  I’m still in the wrong line of work though.

Now on to the dress.  I found the dress, tried it on, it is the dress.  You know what I mean – the one.  I sold my other ‘the’ dress because it was a hoop skirt style with heavy taffeta and no way in hell would I survive in it.  Picture the scene in the Wizard of Oz when the dump water on the witch – well I’d be similar with sweat on the bitch – I’m melting! Ahhhh.  I go down to purchase my gown only to argue with the broad that opened the door for me that they have never carried said gown.

Oh sweetheart, don’t go there with me.

Not today.

Not this month.

After a heated argument where the chickie got to hear a few words that I could tell were new to her vocabulary, a manager comes over and explains that the dress was discontinued.  Oh come on!  Check if you have one lying around in a back room.  Too big, I’ll reinvite pasta into my life for a few weeks.  Too small, I’ll ramp up my workouts.  Come on damnit!

No such luck.

So let’s count ‘em up here:

1.            Original location forgot they were not available.

2.            Glenn’s mom can’t come on the date we’ve planned around.

3.            New location isn’t available on the date we’ve planned.

4.            Photographers are more expensive than Heidi Fleiss’ whores.

5.            My gown no longer exists.

6.            Sold the gown that did exist.

With two months left, I found an alternative gown, I am not in love with it but it’s white (yeah laugh about that irony), it is too the floor, it’s big enough for my boobs and my ass, and it’s in my price range.  It’s en route and I have the tracking number.  All I can do now is pray.

Glenn’s brother offered to emcee for us a couple years ago, well three, I guess, when we announced our engagement.  His gift to us.  I am thinking that will be the next shoe to drop.  Glenn called him, with the date, but we haven’t heard back yet.

And I still have the tux rental, shoe shopping and cake shopping left to do.

I am thinking it would be cheaper to do some Glamour Shots in the mall in their faux tuxedo and gowns and go rent a hotel on the beach to screw the weekend a way in instead of all of this hell.




One response

27 06 2011

I know its not funny but that made me laugh about the restaurant forgetting they were closing. How frustrating though. At least you werent out money for it.

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