Dislikable? Moi?

15 01 2009

Today I had a first.  I learned today that I am disliked by some of my parallels in other territories of our company.  Now, being disliked is not a first.  In fact, it’s something I am accustomed to.  Usually the reasons are because I am a bitch, or a control freak, or snobbish, or intimidating, or demeaning, or profane, or tactless.  You get the picture. And while I don’t entirely agree with those definitions of me, I can see how from some angles my persona would seem as such.  I am impatient and I do not deal well with dolts or stupidity.  I’m not meaning the legitimate imbeciles, but rather the people who would rather throw back their hands and do nothing at all rather than attempt with the possibility of failure.  Or worse yet, the types who no matter how many times you try to aide them, they refuse to try to learn and thereby fail again.  And because of my intolerance of such people, I come across at times as controlling or snobbish or demeaning as I would rather just do the task at hand, rather than continue in a fruitless effort to teach someone who wishes not to learn.  And delicacy is an art form that I have not learned either.  I don’t beat around the bush well and adjectives aren’t my forte, so most generally my thoughts come out of my mouth in a blunt fashion.  A tactless diplomat someone once defined me as, and I can agree.

I’ve never been described as boastful, nor as a braggart, or egotistical, or even competitive; rightfully so as I am none of these things.  My impatience with those who cannot be bothered to learn is not derived from some internal need to be better than others or to prove myself as outwitting them.  In fact, I don’t see myself as someone who knows everything at all.  I tend to see my flaws predominantly and I fail miserably in interviews when asked to showcase my skills verbally.  I don’t thrive on recognition; in fact I would much more readily stay hidden away in a hole in the wall, obfuscated away from attention.  At best, I’m the epitome of a wet dream for some managers for whom I have worked as I have no problem at all making them look good while they take the credit for my work.

That brings me back to my first.  I learned today that I am disliked by some of my parallels in other territories in our company.  I’ve never said so much as two words to this pair, mind you.  It isn’t out of discord, simply that our circles don’t typically intertwine and thus outside of the welcome to the team emails en masse that I participated in sending when they were hired, I have never had cause to communicate with them.  So imagine my surprise when I received an email from one of the pair who dislike me so, although the latter fact was unknown to me at that time.  She wanted to speak to me privately.  You’re in luck, I replied, I happen to be working from home today.  So she calls me and as best as I could discern from the conversation, she was digging deep for information to which I am not privy.  Now, I will say that some of the questions she asked, I did know the answers to, but I also knew better than to divulge them because I know I am not supposed to know these things.  Our conversation ended on a bright note, thanks for calling, have a wonderful day, et al.

Later I then spoke to one of her co-workers, whose circle does turn in time with mine and I addressed the oddity of receiving a call from that person who had never once spoken to me.  Her co-worker agreed that it was odd, but noted it was even moreso because the person dislikes me.  Dislikes me?  Whatever for?  I mean, again as above, it isn’t that being disliked is a shocker, but I don’t even know this person, why would she dislike me.  Then it came – she dislikes me for being a show off, an attention whore.

Say what?

Yes ladies and gentlemen, it appears she perceives me as an attention whore; a show off; a braggart.   This whole revelation befuddles me.  I think I am able to judge myself rather fairly and being perceived as snobbish, intimidating, bitchy – these things I can admit to.  But a show off?

So as the details emerge, evidently as a result of my preparing reports and sharing the data; or emailing others news tidbits or new HR forms or creating helpful tools and sharing with others – things which I have done to be helpful to others!- is instead being a show off.  This past year I was selected and awarded as best of the territory amongst the other parallels in my position and for this I got a vacation of sort with other winners and movers and shakers in our company at a resort beach.  And I’ve never been more out of place in my life.  I felt as though I was some scene bit extra who had just somehow swooped in and stolen an Oscar from the leading lady’s hands.  Appreciative, yes;  flattered, yes; deserving, no.  Surely there were others who had more right to say thank you for the recognition than I; and I decided to call them out during my acceptance speech.  And so, to now learn that despite my lack of desire for any attention and even moreso my lack of agreement that I excel in skills to any degree – I am a show off.

Truth be told, this really pisses me off.  The things I do know of the pair who feel this way include their abuse of company leave policies, disappearing from work for days and weeks and yet because they still have a pulse, they still have a job.  I have heard it on good account from others who have watched them in action that a great portion of their daily activity at work includes their nail maintenance and myspace upkeep.  Although with changes to our internet and the implementation of Websense has prevented the latter from continuing to be in their job skills.  During the course of the odd phone call, one of the pair told me how she was going on strike while still showing up for work; she would no longer complete any tasks until she receives full answers on her questions involving the company changes.  And while I should consider the source before being irritated, I am still.

There isn’t a competitive bone in my body; not a bit of me that enjoys being held up as a standard for others; nor one ounce of many ounces in me that enjoys being called out.  If you’re going to dislike me, make it on the grounds of something plausible such as my bitchy attitude.  I even asked others around me if they would honestly think of me as an attention whore.  Bitch yes, but no on attention whore.  And I believe that anyone who has the balls to call me out for being a bitch would certainly have no trouble calling me out for being a show off, but they can’t because I’m not.  And yet this little nobody and her friend see me as such.  It is irksome really.  It really is.

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