We’ll Call You

12 06 2007

Unless you are one of the chosen few with a generous trust fund and the silver spoon in hand to dig from it, you will likely at some point need a job. That means at some point you will have to apply for a job. And that means that someone like me will see it.

Thus, for the sanity of the HR employee who happens upon your application and resume; and for the likelihood of your being employed, I beg you to take heed.

I know of people who spend money to have others write their resumes for them; and those who pay for ‘kits’ that will guide them through the resume process. And yet with all of this damned attention on their resume, not many think to get a decent email address.

While your resume may boast of Ivy League schooling and an impeccable work history; if it arrives to the desk of a hapless person in human resources from the email address of ‘iroxzuallnite@something.com’, do you really anticipate to be given a second glance?

We have a position open at the moment and advertisements flying in online job sites and local newspapers. And some idiot thought it brilliant to provide my direct email in the advertisement in lieu of the cover one, which allows me to check it at my leisure.


As I quickly make Outlook rules to redistribute the flood to a specific folder, I started looking over the email addresses.

‘hotmama1962’ Face it, if you were borne in 1962, you are not likely a ‘hot mama’ without the help of surgeons.

‘alwaysrunninglate’ Ooo the write ups are already filled out for your tardiness.

‘coorskid19’ Let’s promote underage drinking, shall we?

‘not_a_virgin’ TMI. Really. TMI

‘ilikedick’ Maybe he is an avid Cheney supporter, right?

And my favourite:

‘worksucksispit’ At least we won’t have to worry about her with integrity issues.

Email addresses folks, they’re free. I would look twice more at a resume from ‘387261GHP’ than I would ‘buckinbtch’. Yahoo, Hotmail, MSN…you get the picture.

Now that we have covered the fine delicate art of respectable email addresses, shall we move on to the interview?

Yes, we should.

First the don’ts, because quite frankly they are a quicker way to finding ‘file’ scratched on a stickie atop your application than the do’s.

If you show up early, which is always a plus, don’t show up early in dirty clothes from your other job. There is always a WalMart or Target or even a Kmart with a nice button down for under twenty dollars nearby.

If you show up early, don’t huff and gruff because I choose not to begin your interview until the time you agreed to have your interview. You chose to come early, and I planned around your interview time for other things I do.

Don’t tell me that the reason your arms are covered in fresh scabs and exposed flesh is because your new girlfriend is a little frisky. Tell me it was a traffic accident; tell me you fell into a pit filled with alligators. Or better yet, wear a long sleeve shirt and forget the whole matter.

Don’t ask me if I like your shoes. (This one is for women specifically) I could care less about your shiny patent leather converse style shoe with the leopard print. I will laugh quietly to my staff later about them.

Toothpicks. If you are meeting for an interview at any point after you have consumed food during the day…toothpicks. There is nothing worse than trying to determine if the green chunk is an attempt to imitate Mick Jagger or a pure oversight.

And lastly, if you pass gas, don’t excuse yourself unless it is to excuse yourself from my office. It is much easier to ignore the embarrassing situation if you don’t lift your ass cheek from your seat to release it and then say ‘excuse me’.

For the do’s, it is an incredibly short-list really, one thing actually. Remember that you are trying to spend fifteen minutes impressing me.

And now for post-interview.

To call and thank me for taking the time to meet you is very antiquated but it sticks out. It is a smart move.

To call a few days after the interview and ‘follow up’ shows you are interested and stands out as well.

To call multiple times in day with excuses ranging from ‘my cell died and I wasn’t sure if I missed your call’ to “I wasn’t sure if I put down the right phone number since I hadn’t heard from you yet’; well needless to say, it is a quick way to help me make a difficult decision.

If your phone isn’t ringing, it probably isn’t me.

As a side note, I am not impressed when your significant other calls to tell me what a great hire you would be and is curious if I had made my decision yet.

And when you get the thanks but no thanks letter, it isn’t open for argument and you only solidify the decision as being right when you call to tell me what a drastic mistake I have made in turning you down.

Hopefully for those without the silver spoon these pointers help.



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