Meet the Beatles

1 06 2007

I have a song in my head, for a couple days now. It is rather odd that I do have this particular song roaming about upstairs when I haven’t tuned into an oldies station as of late, and haven’t played my MP3s in a while either. I think this actually is too old for the local oldies station anyhow; now they consider Phil Collins and Guns N Roses old. Don’t I feel ancient, hmmm?

Regardless, it has been bouncing about on my mind and tongue:

When you were young and your heart was an open book; you used to say live and let live.
You know you did, you know you did, you know you did.
But in this ever changing world in which we live in, it makes you give in and cry…
Say live and let die.

A guildmate sent me a private message that he was leaving for reasons including the fact I plan to dismantle the guild and alliance when I quit. He’s upset by this, and I empathize. But I don’t believe he, nor others who have questioned my decision, fully plim what it symbolizes to me.

From birth through senior high school, I was only ever ‘alone’ but a few times and they were dreadful.

There’s the murder of my parents when I was alone with their corpses for a couple days, though I cannot say it was dire, as consciously I do not recall it. Though counselours have said it is obviously in my subconscious memory. Obviously.

Then, my adoptive mother running away when I was a teen, whilst my adoptive father was a OTR truck driver, thus he was not home for that. A few more days of solitude, which were very grievous.

That was really it.

From high school I moved into a co-worker’s home after a fight with my family and moved out of her home when I met my soon to be husband and had moved in with him. He was always there until he joined the Navy, at which point I still had my family and later my children to be with.

It wasn’t until I left my ex that I was ever alone. My adoptive father had since passed away, I had no monies lying about any longer and from May 26 of 2002 through May 26 of 2003, I survived on my own. I didn’t beg friends to loan me until I made it to the next payday and I didn’t call my trust executor and try to petition for funds. That year was the first time in my life I had paid bills from my own earnings, fed my family from only my income and been completely dependent on me and me alone to make ends meet. That for me was exhilarating. It was truly. No men, no dates, no sex, no distractions. So May 26th is sort of my declaration of independence day.

I had started playing DAOC February 2, 2002 and for the first year there was always some chatter from ‘typical male’ players about women and video games.

Zuis was one of the more vocal ones who would irritate the shit out of me with his sarcastic jibes. Women could only play supportive roles because of their physical composition, and only moderately well at that.

Caeloc would tell me how if anyone was nice to a female in game (known to be a female in real life that is), it was with the intent to cyber only. No, they certainly couldn’t actually be merely friends. Was that why he hunted with me then, for cyber? Oh no, he was a rare breed.

In late December of 2002 I told my friend, a real life female and neighbour of mine, that I wanted to create an all female guild. We tossed the idea about a bit and I actually messaged known female players in game for their thoughts. Most were not keen on a guild of all females and the more I thought on it, I knew I wouldn’t be either. Most females irk me to a level of irritation too much for words.

By March, I had decided instead of an all female guild, how about a guild that was respectful to both sexes? A guild perhaps that would promote either sex to be successful in a video game, no matter the class they played. That piqued me and I started thinking of names for the guild.

Women Can Fight Too. No, too overt.

Lady Killers. Sounds like a guild of men with greased hair and High Karate marinade on.

Bean is fearr. Loosely, it means women are the best. But all I could think of was the Gas-X jokes, writing themselves.

I finally settled on Femme Fatale, the deadly woman. Granted, for role play purposes, French was not a prominent language of the period, considering the language did not actually evolve until well into the 6th century. But one could argue a point, should Mythic see fit to draw ire, that the language is rooted in Latin, which was brought by Romans to the islands and after the fall of the empire and Frankish invasion, it could have came to the island by fleeing residents in Bretagne. There was of course, the stigmatism that a femme fatale was a woman out to kill a man or lead him to demise; but to take a literal translation without common stereotypes it worked.

Now to pick the date. It could not be merely any date. Oh no. Being that I was still rather plim with astrology at that time, I ran through a series of event charts, plotting away dates at random over the following month’s lapse. None stood alone. None bode well really for what I desired the significance to represent.

And then, in idle unrelated conversation one day, it dawned on me that May 26th was my year of independence. How quite a choice.

So as the day approached, the band of friends I invited came together to form this new family in the game.

And as I decide now to leave it all behind, I cannot simply allow this to live in the hands of those who, yes, have been fundamental in its creation and growth. It simply does not hold the same emotional depth of meaning for them that it does me.

So, I must close the chapter of this open book and let die the part of me that is written already, so that I may live. I cannot fathom leaving it to breathe life in the world without my presence. Live and let die.

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