Day Seventy-five As A Widow

14 10 2014

I’d like to say that it is easier, and in some regards it is.  I do not find myself sobbing uncontrollably without prompt, and yet changes I’ve made are making it feel more as though I’ve closed a chapter.  The most significant change I made was to change our bedding.  I could not bring myself, cannot bring myself, to remove his pillow or even wash the pillowcase so I put it into the new sheet set.  The first night I spent tossing and awake most of the hours. Read the rest of this entry »





Day Sixty-Eight As A Widow

7 10 2014

I grow so very frustrated in being a woman in this world that is so obviously dedicated and revolving about men.  I have sat with a considerable amount of monies in my savings account now for three weeks.  For six weeks, I’ve waited for builders and contractors to ‘get back’ to me on pricing for a home.  I’ve still 20k worth of dirt turning to mud in my back yard.  I’ve still floors rotting beneath me and walls rotting beside me.  I still need the home we were building when he died.  My needs haven’t changed.  And yet, no one seems interested in paying me any mind. Read the rest of this entry »





Day Sixty-Seven As A Widow

6 10 2014

I’ve been told, suggested to, advised – repeatedly – that I should join group therapy, or singular therapy, or counseling even.  Something to get these feelings out of me and to move on.  But I’ve absolutely no desire to share with anyone the degree of my mourning for to be checked off on some tablet as to how far I’ve come, or haven’t.  I’ve no desire to get these feelings out of me, nor to move on.  I’m not happy, not even close, but I’ve no desire to be as such.  Not without him at least. Read the rest of this entry »





Day Sixty-Three As A Widow

2 10 2014

I’ve tried to avoid verbalizing my thoughts to some degree, thinking if I don’t write them or say them, then I am safe and can deny them as thoughts.  The truth is still there, as are the thoughts. Read the rest of this entry »





Day Forty-One As A Widow

9 09 2014

Frustrations on frustrations today. Read the rest of this entry »





Day Thirty-two As A Widow

31 08 2014

I’m not quite sure why, but to-day I’ve been reliving, for lack of a better word, our first night in London.  Or rather Farnborough, outside of London.  Read the rest of this entry »





Day Twenty-Two As A Widow

21 08 2014

It’s been twenty-two days and it still feels like it only began this morning, and yet, it feels as though I’ve been trudging through this horror for years.  I cannot rightly explain the complexity of the two parallels being felt simultaneously.  Read the rest of this entry »








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